Category Archives: Stories

Stories

Get Up

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              I’ve been cooped up in my room for a couple of days now.  I really don’t know what to do.  It’s been a rough stretch here for a while.  I guess a professional would say I’m depressed.  I’m sad, don’t have any direction, I just don’t know which direction to go.  It seems like nothing has been going right.  Time is standing still and it seems like life is just a dream.  It seems I’m watching my life happen from outside my body.  I have no control, no say in what happens.  Life is passing me by.  Living life is what other people do.  It would seem as though I only exist in life, I don’t live it.

I’m doing the natural thing at the moment, flipping through channels like any normal person would do.  Searching for something of value, something to inspire me out of depths of despair that I feel in my heart.  The bad thing is it’s after 2:00 am.  If you have ever channel surfed at that time you know what I’m talking about.  That time of night is infomercial mania time.  I guess if I was a hoarder I would be in hog heaven.  I’m not, so it’s even more depressing.

I’m at the end of my rope so to say.  What else can I do?  I feel I need one last ditch effort to get me out of this misery that is consuming my very soul.  I shut the TV off and turn off the lights and get down on my knees and pray out loud to god:  “Dear Lord, I am a failure.  I have failed my wife, I have failed my kids, and I have failed in my business.  I have judged others, I have walked the path of destruction and I am down on my knees asking you to help me.  I have failed you and everyone in my life!  I am a deceiver. I am nothing.”

I have tears in my eyes as I kneel in the quietness of the darkness.  I stay there for what seems like eternity and from somewhere far off I hear, “Get up.”   I look around the room in the darkness and of course I see nothing.  I think I must be hearing things and then hear it again, “Get up.” I’m getting that watching my life from outside my body again and feeling like I have no control.  And then louder I hear again, “GET UP, You only fail me if you give up.  I forgive you, now GET UP”  I stand up quickly.  I don’t know what is going on.  I hear, “take one step forward.”  I think to myself, what is going on?  Louder now I hear, “TAKE A STEP FORWARD.”  I feel I have no choice so I take a step.  The voice says, “with one step forward there is hope.  With every foot there is less fear.  With every yard there is progress. With every mile there is salvation.  You will never fail me if you keep moving forward.  One step at a time.  Keep moving forward.”

Stories

New Set of Eyes

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Hi, my name is John.  I guess I will start this out by telling you my story.  When I’m done with it maybe you understand where I’m coming from for the rest of the story.  I am 70 years old.  My wife passed away two years ago.  Nothing fancy, Just a stroke in her sleep.  Good woman she was.  Took care of me for fifty years, sad day in this man’s life.  But she lived a good life, and she died peacefully.  I was the son of a pipefitter, and a pipefitter myself. Good life, paid the bills and such. We didn’t lack for anything.  This is all blah blah I know I’m getting there.

It all started about a year out. I was filled with sadness.  Self pity is a dangerous thing.  It’s funny, when I was younger I would be out and about and see the old guy, you know the one.  Always talking to the young girls, got a story for everything, thinks he knows it all.  Yes, that one.  Well, somehow I turned into that guy.  One day I sat down and realized that I had become what I had laughed at all those years ago.  Some old goat living in the past.  I sat there and contemplated why this had happened.  What was it that made me do the things I was doing.  What was I missing in my life to cause my behavior.  I realized that as I was getting older, retired, and not as productive,I was wanting people to see me.  Not visibly mind you.  I guess the word might be relevance, or significant, or maybe that I serve some purpose in their lives, that in some way I am needed.  It was at that moment that my life changed.  It was at that moment when I started to see the world through different lenses.  I somehow stripped away all of the judgments and stereotypes that had consumed my whole life, and started to clearly see into people’s hearts.  See them for who they really are.  See into the depths of their souls.  See clearly the pain that we all carry around with us.  It was at that points that I truly had my hand on the pulse of life and started to understand.  I was so unprepared for what was about to happen.  But I am blessed now that I understand.  For it is Gods true blessing when you stop thinking about your pain for a moment, and understand that everyone has pain.  We are all in the same boat so to say.  There is hope as I have found out.

It’s an amazing thing, but I have come to understand by focusing and helping someone else with their pain.  My pain seems to disappear. I am struggling to try to put this in words so I have decided to tell you a few of my stories.  Not the old man stories, but stories of people who I have seen.  Mind you I have never talked to them, it is just how I see them now.  I tend to do a lot of people watching these days, and if you do enough of it you hear lots of stories if you listen hard enough.  I don’t hear anything per say,

I’m not hearing with my ears.  I have opened my heart to you all.  I don’t see you as you are but, what you are wanting to be.  I know I’m not making any sense so I’ll get on with it.

Joshua

My name is Josh.  I come from a good family, I guess.  That’s what everyone says anyway.  I am the middle kid of five.  Which is great if you like spending your time alone.   I’m the tweener.  That sounds funny, but it’s not really.  The older kids are always busy, one going to be a doctor like dad, one a lawyer like mom, perfect in every way.  The younger, well, they are just young and cute and have “needs” to be met.  Me, I’m just Josh, You know, Josh.  No, no one really knows me.  I get lost in the shuffle.  That is until I got my nose pierced.  Somehow that one little stud revealed that they did, in all actuality have five kids. I was no longer a ghost lost in the shadows.  It was almost like I was a celebrity the first time the principal called. I really don’t like dressing in black in the summertime because it is so hot, but hey, all I ever wanted was for them to notice me.  Good or bad, It doesn’t matter.  I don’t like being invisible.

Bill

My name is Bill.  I hear through the grapevine that I am a very wealthy man.  I guess I do alright.  I started a little company about twenty years ago and it has been doing pretty well.  I get up at five in the morning and head off to work about six.  I get home around nine o’clock in the evening.  I don’t have anything else to do anyway.  Most people think I am aloof and grouchy.  They always have an undertone of insincerity in their voice when they talk to me.  They think that because I have some money that I should be treated different.  What they don’t understand is that I’m not a bad guy.  I didn’t start this company to only make money.  I figured out what I truly loved doing and did it.  They money just came with it.  I’m not grouchy or aloof, I just get tired of people always wanting something from me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love to help people, and do it all of the time, usually anonymously.  Most of the time it’s not that they want only money, they want a lifestyle, power or something that they think I have.  Why I am grouchy is because they don’t want to see who I really am.  They want to see who they think I am, some fast guy in a fast car.  I just want someone to love me for being me.

Mary Jane

My name is Mary Jane.  My mother said that she loved Mary Jane in the 70’s, so she named me after it.  How nice of her.  Most people call me white trash, or things a lot worse.  I grew up in a single parent home with my mom and 2 younger brothers.  My mom was seldom home and that left me to take care of the boys most of the time.  It took me a lot of years to figure out why my mother didn’t want us to go to school or get a job.  In some sick way she never wanted us to do better than she did.  Great thinking to pass on to your kids right.  I’ve got long stringy blonde hair and like to wear thick lines around my eyes.  I’m not sure what it is called maybe maschera or something.  I look at the magazines at the quick mart of all those beautiful ladies in the magazine and try to make myself look like them.  It never seems to work.  No one has every showed me how to put makeup on correctly so sometimes I feel foolish when I get done.  I don’t have a lot of money to get a lot of stuff so it’s pretty minimal anyway.   Some of the boys seem to like it, so maybe I’m doing something right.  The bad thing is that it seems like the ones that show interest are all “bad boys.”  Not the perfect situation but at least they will talk to me.  I’m waiting for my prince charming to sweep me off my feet. I  will know who it is when he says the magic words.  I can’t wait till that day when someone looks at me and says “you are beautiful.”

We can’t hear what we are not listening for.  Open you heart and let the world in.  You will never look at that person the same ever again.  You might be surprised what you find once you strip away everything that you think about someone and replace it with what they are actually feeling.  As Forrest Gump likes to say, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.”  See through your new set of eyes, understand that everyone has something going on in their lives that they are dealing with and hurting from.  Open your heart and let them in.  you never know.  You could have been waiting for them your whole life.

John

Stories

Reflections

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Anger, frustration, sadness, loss, hopelessness, fear, these are all things I am a feeling, I tell my friend as we talk in my living room.  I just want things to be better.  I want her to know that I care.  I want her to know how I am feeling about this.  How she has hurt me.  How if she would only understand how this has affected me.  I wish she would just say I am sorry.  Just stop being so selfish about the whole situation and just be real about it.  Just own up to all the hateful, mean things she has said and just see what she has done.  I tell my friend, she is my sister, she shouldn’t be treating me this way.

My friend has sat calmly through all of my tears and supported me the way a friend does.  We have known each other forever.  We are sisters in spirit.  She tells me she knows how I feel and that everything will be all right.  I am feeling hopeless at this moment, and she politely stands up and says she will be right back.  I find this odd, can’t she hold it for a few more minutes.  I am dying here can’t she see that.

She comes back in and sits down and looks me in the eyes and asks, “Can I be real and blunt with you?”  I am somewhat taken aback by this and say ok as I wipe my latest tears off my cheeks.  She says, “I want you to do something for me is that alright.”  I say, “I guess so, what do you want me to do?”  She pulls out a mirror from the bathroom and holds it in front of me and says. “Look in this mirror and say all of the things that you have told me and then tell me how you feel.”  I look into the mirror and boy am I a mess.  She keeps holding the mirror in front of me and says.  “Relationships are like looking into a mirror. Whatever anger, frustration, fear you see in the mirror will be reflected right back at you.  Relationships are not one-sided.  You cannot control any relationship.  You can only control the reflection that is looking back at you.  Until you decide to take into account what is wrong with your own refection.  You will never find what you are looking for when you take the mirror away.  If your reflection shows anger, then anger will be reflected back to you.  If your reflection shows love,  Love will be reflected back to you.  There will never be a problem that is all someone else’s fault.  No matter how much you feel it is all your sisters fault. Somewhere in this, big or small, you have something that you are accountable for too.  As I said before you cannot control the whole situation, you can only control what you do and how you react.  You are not in a competition with your sister to see who can win.  You are in a fight to try to keep your sisters love.  You do not lose by saying I’m sorry first. You cannot win by destroying your sister and the relationship.  The only competition in a relationship is between you and the mirror.  When you take the mirror away what will your sister see.  We as women are pretty lucky that we always have a mirror handy in our purse. Let’s just say that I have worn out a lot more mirrors than I have purses.  It is very hard to look at ourselves first, and it is a lot easier to blame someone else.

She puts the mirror aside and grabs my hands and says.  “I love you very much, and know that you are going through some hard times right now.  I just want you to know that I will always be here for you and that no matter what happens I will always love you.”  Then she picks up the mirror and puts it back in front of me.  I am smiling.

Stories

Love Is

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What is going on?  Snap out of it man.  I don’t usually talk to myself like this but tonight for some reason I can’t stop.  I’ve been walking around this stupid park for I don’t know how long.  It’s Late, Christmas Eve of all times.  I just can’t get her out of my mind.  I see an old man sitting on a bench.  He looks sad.  What the hell, I sit next to him.  He looks at me and I feel kind of stupid so I say “misery loves company right.”  He just looks at me with that “who are you and why are you sitting on my bench” look. I just smile and lean back, I’m tired anyway.  We just sit there for a while, both in our own thought.  Finally he leans forward and looks at me and says “what’s your trouble son?”  Looking at him for the first time I think I’m seeing a very senior Robert Duval, and I’m just waiting for him to ask me to cut the cards.  He gives me the I’m waiting stare and asks again, “what’s your trouble son?” Not knowing where this was going and not sure I am wanting to go there anyway, I simply say “life.”  Not expecting any grand reply, I don’t get one.  He simply gives me a small laugh.  He says, “life, son you don’t know the first thing about life.”  I think, “oh no, now here comes the how to be a man speech from Second Hand Lions.” Nope, all I get is another little laugh.  He looks at me real serious and says in a real quiet voice, “you’re not here to learn about life.”  Again, that little snicker of a laugh, which is kind of getting on my nerves at this point. He gets louder and says, “Your here to learn about love.”  I give him the international blow off look like he has no Idea what he’s talking about.  My eyes must have given me away because he said, “are you in love or have you lost it?” I think at this point it is better to just keep my mouth shut, so I just sit there.  “Lost it huh,” he says. “I can see it in your eyes, in the way you walk, yep you lost it.”  At this point I’m about ready to stand up and walk away.  He Says, “do you know what love is?”  I say, “of Course, do I look like an idiot.”  His curt reply was “yes.”  My jaw must have dropped to the ground and I got that I am going to kick me some Gus McCrea butt look in my eye.  He just chuckled.  He said in a real quiet voice, “did you ever tell her you loved her?” My immediate response was “yes.”  “I’m sure,” he said.  “When you were walking down the street did you ever hold her hand?  Not because you had too, just to hold it because you wanted to. At night did you whisper in her ear that you loved her, even if she was asleep. You fell in love and thought that was it. Everyone can fall in love.  But you see son, staying in love is a choice.” Getting louder he continues, “you don’t just choose once.  You don’t choose twice.  Every day, Every day you make a choice, do I love her or not.  What choice did you make?  There are no days off, no vacation, and no free pass days.  Did you love her like there was no tomorrow?”  Getting really loud now he says, “If you died today would there be any doubt, any doubt at all, that you loved her?”  He sighs, “So when I asked did you tell her you loved her?” Quieter now he says, “did you?” At this point I am at a loss for words,  so I say “I guess.”  “Not good enough,” he says. “Did you treat her like your most valuable treasure?  Would you travel to the end of the earth to find her?  Did the thought of losing her take your breath away?” Quietly he said, “did you follow her out the door when she left?”  “No,” I said.  “Didn’t think so,” he said.  “So where does that leave us.    How long ago did she go?” Softly I say “a year.”  “Been Looking for anything else” he asks.  “No,” I reply.  “Can I give you a piece of advice?” He asks.  I say, “sure,” it’s not like my answers have stopped him yet.  “Do you really believe that the love of your life is out there?” He asks.  “I don’t know,” I reply. “That person will never see you if you don’t believe they are there.” He says.   Not following I give my best, I don’t know what you are talking about look. “thick headed mule,” he says, “you will never find what you do not believe exists.  If it doesn’t exist up there, you will never see it out here, and they will never see you.  Believe in love son, and it will find you.  Then it will be up to you to choose to stay in love.”  “I get it,” I say.  “So what makes you the resident expert of the park bench on love?”  He gets real quiet and finally says, “I have loved one woman in my life. There was not a day that went by that I did not tell her I loved her.  Every chance I had I would let her know.  It was not always words.  I might just touch her to let her know I was there.  Smile at her so she knew I cared.  Hold her when she was sad.  Laugh with her when the time was right.  Kiss her always, no matter who was there.   Wait on her when she was late.  Hug her everywhere.  Carry her when she was down.  Walk with her when she could not run.  Feed her when she could not feed herself….Just love her always.”  “So where is she now,” I Ask.  He replies, “she’s on her way to pick me up.  I better get going.”  With that he gets up and starts slowly walking down the path.  I look down at my hands for a second to ponder what I just heard and remembered I never thanked him.  I look up to find him and he is gone.  There is no one around, it’s like he just disappeared.  I turn around real fast because I’m positive I heard someone say “cut the cards, what a Mule head.”

Stories

An Unordinary Life

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They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  What if we could see the rest of the picture, the outer edges.  What if we saw what flashed beside us, walked behind us, crawled under our feet, or flew over our heads.  What if we just got a glimpse of what was to come. 

I walk in wonder as I think about these questions.  This is not my usual train of thought but since last night that is all I can think about.  Seconds, minutes, the blink of an eye, if only, and why, yesterday started out ordinary.  Good morning, is the coffee ready, we are out of soap, I love you, and see you tonight.  As of this morning, I long for ordinary. What if I walk a little faster, not take that last bite, admire the sunrise for just one more second. What if i run that last mile, look into her eyes one more time,  linger one more second on that one last kiss. Seconds, minutes, eternities that change people’s lives. 

What if I saw it coming?  Would I change it?  Would I slow down that one instant in time that would change everything?  All it would take was that one turn of my head. One step, one heartbeat, one glance in the right direction, One instant of clarity in the midst of chaos, and I regain ordinary.

Now what was ordinary is far away and I am suddenly thrust into a time that is, unordinary.  That sounds so bad, unordinary.  What does that mean, I AM UNORDINARY. Have I changed somehow?  Now that I think about it I really liked ordinary.  Sure I would change some things, but it really wasn’t that bad.  If only I had sped up, slowed down, changed something, for heaven’s sake, if I would have just mowed the lawn.  I would still be      ordinary.

If I could have seen in all directions at the same time I could have made a difference.  If I could have read that guys mind and seen through her eyes, nothing would have changed, once again, ordinary.  I am human, so now I am Unordinary. Unordinary, I dread that word.  What does it mean?  I looked it up. Unordinary means “being out or the ordinary.”  Thanks Merriam for the clarification.

So Now I am an unordinary man in an ordinary world. Where do I go from here?  What are my choices?  As I am looking through my hats I decide on two to make my choice from.  The Scientist or the philosopher will give me my answer.  If I choose the scientist then there will probably be a bunch of questions to ask and a bunch of answers to prove.  Probably a few studies that I could look up, na I think I will go with the philosopher.  He says you have two choices, lay down or stand up.

It is a funny thing about ordinary.  No matter what choice I make now I will never make it back out of the un- category. If I choose to lay down then everyone will say how unordinary I am for not putting up any kind of fight.  Then, if I choose to stand up they will say, “wow he has handled this so unordinarily it is amazing.” What’s a guy to do?

So I guess I’m going on as unordinary, so what kind will I choose.  If I lay down what will happen.  The pain is gone, time doesn’t stop, the world keeps going around, the fear goes away, no guilt, no anxiety, no responsibility, and um no happiness, no love, no one to care about, and um um No Life.  Well that kind of sucks, the last one is kind of a kicker for a check in the no box.  If I stand up what will happen. Well I guess time still will not stop and the world will keep going around.  If I was a betting man I’m guessing there will be a whole lot of pain.  Guilt deserved or not will be a part of life for a while.  Anxiety, check that box for sure. Responsibility, yep.  Happiness, love, someone to care about, whoa hold on now.  What is life without all of these things I listed?  Life means nothing if you’re not prepared to live it.  Living it means that I am prepared to fight through the pain,  accept some sadness to be filled with happiness, Love someone deeply and to be loved in return, care for someone and in turn have them care about me.  So if I choose to stand up what is so unordinary about me?    I guess because now I do see life through a new set of eyes. The more life you live the more you see in life.  I am unordinary because I am so young to have learned this lesson.  I choose to stand up.