I haven’t written anything but updates for a while.  I have had so many emotions running through me that I didn’t know what was going on.  To say that November and December have been interesting would be an understatement.  For some reason the strongest emotion that I have been feeling is anger.  Why, I am not sure.  The only reason that I can think of is that we have been locked in this purgatory of good news followed by bad news followed by bad news, by more good news.  You get what I am saying.  Our bodies and minds are not made to do this for very long.  They get tired, I get tired, we all get tired.

I am not angry that we were chosen for this,  It is who I am, I am a caretaker.  I am not angry because of fairness.  I don’t believe in fairness.  Life is not fair.  We all have our troubles and trials and have to work through them, sometimes willingly and sometimes we are forced.  Sometimes our path is easy and sometimes it is hard.  It doesn’t matter which one it is, our trials will leave a lasting impression and hopefully we learn something along the way.  Living life eventually molds us into who we are.  To me, living life means that you live through everything, and more important, you feel everything along your path.  If you choose not to feel all of your discomfort, you will never fully understand your peace.

I am an analyst at heart and so I try to find reasons for what I am feeling.  I run it around until I can find a suitable answer to my questions.  I need to know the why, or at least, I need to try to understand it in my own way.  Most of my writings are me trying to answer those questions.  I usually end with how I am going to fix my problem.  Sometimes the answer can be as simple as belief. sometimes it is very complex.

So here I am stuck with a question.  Why am I angry and how can I fix it.  For some reason “glass ceiling” popped in my head a few days ago.  So I started to think about how you break a glass ceiling.  “Glass ceiling” has a different meaning to all of us.  For some it might be that you are the first to do something, like being the first woman president. For most of us it is something a lot less spectacular.  It could be a new job that you never thought you had a chance for.  Falling in love with the person you thought was way out of you league.  It could be as simple as loosing that weight that you have worked so hard to put on.  For us it is getting Tammy healthy and cancer free.

I have been angry because of all of the ups and downs of our journey. In order to understand this and fix it I have to remind myself how we break a glass ceiling.  You have to fall though enough floors before you have enough rubble to climb up to the glass ceiling.  For most of us life is not about how many time we broke the ceiling.  It’s about how many times we fell through the floor.  I am angry because we fell through again, But I need to get over it.  I can shed my tears and scream at the top of my lungs, but then,  I need to get up.  knock the dust off, and start building life back up.  Every floor that we break through makes us stronger.  We will only get to the ceiling when we are strong enough to break through all of the floors.

I am going to start stacking my rubble instead of laying on the floor looking up at the ceiling.  I hope that you keep stacking yours too.