I’ve been cooped up in my room for a couple of days now. I really don’t know what to do. It’s been a rough stretch here for a while. I guess a professional would say I’m depressed. I’m sad, don’t have any direction, I just don’t know which direction to go. It seems like nothing has been going right. Time is standing still and it seems like life is just a dream. It seems I’m watching my life happen from outside my body. I have no control, no say in what happens. Life is passing me by. Living life is what other people do. It would seem as though I only exist in life, I don’t live it.
I’m doing the natural thing at the moment, flipping through channels like any normal person would do. Searching for something of value, something to inspire me out of depths of despair that I feel in my heart. The bad thing is it’s after 2:00 am. If you have ever channel surfed at that time you know what I’m talking about. That time of night is infomercial mania time. I guess if I was a hoarder I would be in hog heaven. I’m not, so it’s even more depressing.
I’m at the end of my rope so to say. What else can I do? I feel I need one last ditch effort to get me out of this misery that is consuming my very soul. I shut the TV off and turn off the lights and get down on my knees and pray out loud to god: “Dear Lord, I am a failure. I have failed my wife, I have failed my kids, and I have failed in my business. I have judged others, I have walked the path of destruction and I am down on my knees asking you to help me. I have failed you and everyone in my life! I am a deceiver. I am nothing.”
I have tears in my eyes as I kneel in the quietness of the darkness. I stay there for what seems like eternity and from somewhere far off I hear, “Get up.” I look around the room in the darkness and of course I see nothing. I think I must be hearing things and then hear it again, “Get up.” I’m getting that watching my life from outside my body again and feeling like I have no control. And then louder I hear again, “GET UP, You only fail me if you give up. I forgive you, now GET UP” I stand up quickly. I don’t know what is going on. I hear, “take one step forward.” I think to myself, what is going on? Louder now I hear, “TAKE A STEP FORWARD.” I feel I have no choice so I take a step. The voice says, “with one step forward there is hope. With every foot there is less fear. With every yard there is progress. With every mile there is salvation. You will never fail me if you keep moving forward. One step at a time. Keep moving forward.”