Happy New Year to you all.  Its been a while since you have heard from us.  We had a wonderful holiday season full of family and friends.  All of my family made it here for Christmas and we were able to spend lots of time with Tammy’s over break.  The time was filled with lots of laughter, smiles, music and love.  What more could we ask for.  If we let ourselves, Christmas is a magical time full of love and joy.  2018 is off to a flying start, and I have a feeling it is going to fly by.

Tammy has been feeling relatively well and was able to do quite a bit over break.  She actually sat and played poker against her arch card nemesis Chad, and had a blast.  She said that she really missed being competitive.  They both ended up losing, so that  added a lot more smiles and laughter from the gallery.

As far as cancer goes the news has not been all that we were hoping for.  The radiation that she has been doing has been helping.  The known spots have been shrinking, which helps with pain.  The stinky part is that it keeps moving, so we keep chasing.  The last week of December she had a pet scan and they found a few more spots.  They found two small lesions on her brain.  A soft tissue tumor on her left hip and a couple of spots on her sacrum which is right above your tail bone.  The doctors continue to hit each spot as they come and so far it has been successful.  For the most part she can keep her pain under control with pain meds and is able to function.  Each day is a new adventure, but she still has a determined look in her eye.  This week she had her first chemo infusion in a while, and besides fatigue she is doing ok.  Radiation five days a week plus chemo makes a bad combo for white blood counts, so she has been trying to stay out of crowds because of all of the sickness going around.

Personally I have been very frustrated.  I have really had to dig deep into myself this month and try to come to terms with how things are going.  For me, I have been feeling that there has been no sense of urgency from Tammy’s Doctors.  As a husband and care giver this is very frustrating and stressful.  I want them to do something now and get her fixed up.  Tammy is very methodical in her approach.  She takes on each spot as they come and focuses all of her energy there.  I on the other hand have been struggling with all of them at once, which is my nature,  and why I have had to dig really deep into my bag of emotions to try to come to terms.

The first thing that I had to do was find some grace, or more accurately I had to extend some.  I had to force myself to remember that her doctors are people too and they also have her best interest at heart.  I have to remember that they have been fighting for Tammy for six years also.  They are vested in her well-being, and I have no doubt are hurting when something goes the wrong way.  I’m sure some days they feel just as helpless as I do.  I have to cool my jets, which leads me to my next realization, gratitude.

Instead of tearing her doctors down in my mind I need to be grateful for there help.  They have kept her with us for six years.  If I am truly honest with myself they have already created a miracle.  So humbly I digress,  Doctors, I am so thankful for you.  Our timing might not be on the same page, but I have no doubt that our hearts are.

I have also had to take a step back away from the battle and remember why this is all important.  I have not asked why this is happening to us for a long time.  I believe with all of my heart that I am here, in this fight, and in Tammy’s life for a reason.  I was picked because I have something that Tammy needs on her journey.  I am grateful that I was picked for the job.  I am grateful that if she needs help up from her chair, she reaches for my hand.  I am grateful that if she needs help getting her shoes on, I get to bend down on my knees to help her.  I am grateful that when she is hurting, she asks me to help her find a way to relieve it.  Most of all I am grateful that she picked me.  Out of a million men to choose from, she picked me.  I love her for it, and no matter what happens, she is enough.

A story popped into my head last night as I was trying to settle down.  Most of the time it is in the quiet darkness of late night that I can find my sanctuary, my peace for the day.  A summation of everything that has happened and possibly a look into tomorrow.  For most of last week I had not found it.  My sanctuary was being elusive, my anxiety was going full-bore, and I was tired.

As I was finding my way, a term, or phase, I am not sure what to call it popped into my head.  It came from a story about Tammy.  This isn’t uncommon.  I spend hours contemplating things and all of a sudden the static clears and it all comes into focus.  This past week was a very hard week and my focus was definitely off.

To set the stage imagine a college girls basketball team huddled up around their coach.  The coach is breathing fire and trying to make a point and gain control of her newly acquired team.

She says, “… and we won’t have any more of that whoopty $h!t happening on this basketball court.”

Everyone, and Tammy for sure knew who she was talking to.  Tammy got the message loud and clear.  We are supposed to play fundamental basketball, period.

Now you have to understand.  Tammy was not a flashy player.  She didn’t showboat or make any kind of scene.  She was just unconventional.  Most of her life she always played against the boys in the basketball games at recess, gym class, or any pick-up game she could come across.  The boys didn’t take it easy on her, and every chance they got they would swat her ball across the court.  If you have ever played cards with Tammy you know this did not go over very well.  She was to competitive to lose.  So over time she learned to go over them, around them, under them, or if completely necessary, through them.  It wasn’t always fundamental, but after a lot of practice it was very effective.  Especially when she went to college and was playing against girls that could be much bigger than her.  The best example of this was in a game where she had the ball near the free throw line,  she had went down on one knee in the fray.  No one was open, she didn’t have a dribble left.  The conventional thing to do would be to call a timeout or something like that.  The unconventional thing to do is to shoot from your knee and swish it.  I’ll give you one guess as to what she did.

So as the story goes, the team had their first game and it was going terrible.  Tammy was not scoring, as a result the game was being lost.  The coach called a timeout and told her, “I don’t care what you have to do, or how you do it, just start scoring.”  Tammy heard her loud and clear.  She started playing her game and the term “whoopty $h!it” will be the basketball lore forever.

Last Sunday night Tammy could not get her pain under control.  Around eleven I convinced her that we needed to go to the ER so that they could help her get it under control.  The short version of the story is that three more areas were found with cancer in them.  Her right femur, her right shoulder, and a spot around her sternum.  The tumor on her adrenal gland is also acting up and causing problems for her kidney.  She stayed in the hospital until Wednesday morning, and then we flew the coop so that she could get to doctors appointments and ultimately her first round of radiation on her shoulder.  The news didn’t completely surprise us, but yes, it really sucks.  She is feeling better now, with new pain medicine and is getting back to normal.

So most of the week I have been putting this update off.  I had to make my peace with it, and this time it was just really hard to do.  I want to rip all of the cancer out of her, and ring all their necks, but I can’t.  I can’t take her pain away.  I can’t make it all better.  I can just watch, hoping for the best.

So in my contemplation last night “whoopty $h!t,” pops into my brain.  We all know that Tammy’s cancer journey has been unconventional.  Most of her side effects are opposite of what is normal.  She is out of statistics.  She is an outlier.  This year she has come back from tumors, surgeries, and anything else that has popped up.  She has found a way over it, around it, under it, or if necessary through it.  My brain says, “you need to be afraid.”  Because of her heart, my heart says, “everything is going to be ok.”  finally,  I found my peace.

Two-thousand one hundred and ninety-four days.  Six years, a milestone for sure.  Tammy is an outlier.  She is beating cancer.  There are no more statistics, No one on earth knows what will happen next.  So what does beating cancer look like.  All of us would love to share a post that Tammy is cancer free, but she is not.  Everyday Tammy makes a decision to beat cancer that day.  Some days she wins, someday’s it’s a tie, and someday no matter how hard she tries she looses.  For two-thousand one-hundred and ninety-four days she has won more than she has lost.  She is beating cancer because she refuses to let it win.  She lives life in spite of cancer.  She is my superhero, my best friend, and the love of my life.

I am dubbing year number six the year of change.  Lots of things have changed in 2017.  For Tammy it has been a tough year.  It all started in December of last year with a tumor on her brain.  Followed by her adrenal glands shutting down from the drugs that she was on for a clinical trial.  They still are not working, but she has a tumor on one of them also.  She developed a bump above her right eye.  She had surgery and removed it.  Win.  One of the tumors in her lungs is deteriorating a rib, which is painful.  If you keep up with her you know that she was having problems with sciatica since February.  After two surgeries almost all of that pain is gone. Win.  In the meantime they found cancer in her femur.  A large pin later and several rounds of radiation and she is up and moving. Win.  They are still radiating her rib, and it is feeling better. Win.  We found out two weeks ago that cancer had come back around her eye,  She is doing more radiation.  As you can see there are a lot of wins.  Has it been easy, no.  Has there been fear, pain, and sadness.  Yes, but she is winning.  It is hard, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy, and the alternative, well, is just unacceptable.

Year number six has brought a lot of change to our family as well.  Tammy has not worked since last December.  Let me rephrase that.  She hasn’t worked at a job.  Between surgeries, chemo, radiation and doctors appointments she stays busy.  Too busy probably, she is exhausted at the end of the day.  For those of you that don’t know, I shut down my excavation business January ninth and started working for a great company as a project manager.  I decided that I was wore out.  I had been trying to fight to many battles at one time.  It has been good for me.  It is different, but it has been good for me to be able to focus on one less thing.  We decided that we needed to downsize and so next month we will be moving.  It is a smaller house with out as much to take care of.  I think we are all looking forward to a change, but like most times of change there will be a part of us that will miss this house with all of its memories.

Like usual I have been putting this particular update off.  Cancer anniversaries are somewhat bittersweet.  I always try to look back at the last year and find the good.  This last year has been tough.  I don’t think I could look you in the eyes and lie to you that it has been anything different.  Like usual though there have been a whole lot of good things too.  There have been four thoughts that have been on my mind throughout 2017.  They have been things that I personally have been working on.  2017 has changed me for sure, hopefully for the better.  I decided to write about them because for me they are profound for me personally.  As I am going through life I am trying to find out who I am and who I want to be.  So far they are the bedrock for my personal life playbook.

Ego

“Woke up today and decided to lose my ego, It never done me no good no how.”  Stugill Simson

I don’t know what the technical definition of ego is.  I define it as our inner selfishness that drives us to do certain things or think a certain way.  I have been trying to lose my ego.  It’s hard.  I have been working on the opposite of selfishness.  Selflessness.  What does that even mean?  I can only explain it through my thoughts over the last year.  I have learned a lot about love in the last year.  Our ego says that I am loving you in a certain way and you are not meeting my expectation, so you don’t love me enough.  Selfishness says that you are not loving me the way I want to be loved, I need more.  Selflessness says you are loving me the best you can right now.  Whether I want to believe it or not you are giving me all you have and that is good enough.  This revelation came to me because I was feeling that I wasn’t being loved enough.  So I had to dig deep within myself.  At the time Tammy was in immense pain all of the time.  I wanted for her to love me more.  My ego said that I do all these things for you and love you so much, why are you not reciprocating?  My selfish ego was driving me away.  I had to dig really deep and find my selflessness.  It told me that she is giving you all that she has.  To be more honest, she was giving me more than she could afford to give me.  I had to realize that her love for me is so true and deep that she is willing to do anything and everything to fight cancer.  She loved me enough that she was willing to be in pain 24 hours a day, not for herself, but to spend more time with me.  She was loving me so much,  but I refused to see it because of my ego.  That day I learned how to be loved.  Before I thought loving was the hard part,  now I realize that being loved can be just as hard.

Adding Value

When we talk about value we tend to think about money or things in general.  My car is valuable, etc.  This year I started to think about value in a different way.  Basically I looked at all of the people around us who have helped in some way.  Lots of people have helped us in lots of different ways.  I had to think about what they actually did for us.  They could have given us money, or done our laundry, or brought us a meal.  We tend to look at things in a very literal sense.   Chicken noodles is just chicken noodles right.  If I think about it literally it is just a meal.  In reality the “Value” is so much more.  When someone brings us a meal it is nourishment for our family, but it is also and hour that I get to spend with the ones I love.  The value is not necessarily in the meal itself.  The value is what is added because I did not have to fix it.

We have thousands of people who add value to our lives on a daily basis.  So my quest is to figure out how I can add value to everyone I meet.  How do I add value to people and not things.  Things have a cost.  People have value.  My goal is to add some kind of value to every person I meet.  It’s hard.  For me to add value I have to put my selfishness aside and listen.  How can I know what is valuable to someone else if all I am thinking about is myself.  I have to be self-less to add value.

Gratitude

We are grateful for what we have.  That is a pretty easy statement to say, right.  We think it, say it, I think most of the time believe it.  I have to tell you though,  when you are so overwhelmed with kindness you start to ask yourself, am I grateful enough?  When I say that any words I can think up don’t do justice to how thankful we are for all of you. I mean it.  We are blown away by the kindness of others.  I finally had to look at gratitude a little harder and ask myself, if I was going to go deeper into gratitude, how would I do it.  The only thing I came up with is to be thankful for what someone else has.  Sounds crazy right.  How is that deeper than being grateful for what I have?  Ego.  Selfishly I am thankful for what I have.  Selflessly I am thankful for what you have.  My ego says that I need and should have that nice car, or a weeks vacation to a beach somewhere.  When I lose my ego I say I am so thankful that you can spend that time on the beach with your family.  Envy can only exist in ego.  Deep gratitude can only exist in selflessness.

Forgiveness

For some reason, I forgive you, are the three hardest words in language to say.  It doesn’t matter what language it is, we have a hard time saying them.  Why?  Hate to bring this up again, ego.  I have been wronged, it is not my fault, you are stupid, you’re ignorant, you just don’t understand.  All these words are words that say I am important and I matter.  Unfortunately they also say I am selfish.  If we truly want to heal our world, our country or even our relationship with our children we have to start tackling our problems selflessly instead of selfishly.  We can start by saying have been wronged, but I FORGIVE YOU.  We do not agree, but I FORGIVE YOU.  We have to send a message that I am important, BUT, you are important too.  A cut can not heal if we keep tearing the stitches out.  Healing begins when we forgive.  Healing ends when we understand why we were forgiven in the first place and accept it.  Then we move forward.

I have no Idea what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day.  It might be a win or it might be a loss.  So every morning I wake up with the tune from Sturgill Simpson in my head.  I am trying to lose my ego.  If I see you tomorrow I will try to find a way to add value to you life.  I am thankful for what I have in life, but just as important I am thankful for you and what you have done with yours.  I forgive you, I forgive you because you are important to me, and you matter.  If you will forgive me I will accept your forgiveness because I know that I am a work in progress.  I am perfectly imperfect and because I recognize that I am willing to change.

Thank you all for once again indulging me by letting me share our story and my ramblings as an armchair philosopher.  We are truly blessed in this life and I believe that our blessings are not in the things that we have or the house that we live in.  Our blessing are counted by the number of people that we consider friends.  We are humbled by the light that you shine on us, and you will forever and always be in our hearts and minds.

“Hold fast my young maiden, for I shall tell our life  story.  It is foretold that when God Breaths fire into the sky and we are held breathless.  We will find the blessings we seek.  I, my lady will be at you side,  and you…you shall be my Warrior Queen.”

Good evening everyone.  I wanted to shoot out a little something about Tammy’s appointment today.  In several other posts I had mentioned that she was supposed to have a CT of her chest.  Today we met with her oncologist and got the results.  As it turned out it was a mixed bag.  She has some growth on some of them, some have stayed the same, and some appear to have lost a little.  The doctor felt that from a systemic standpoint we were not getting the results that he wanted.  If Stivarga was working how we wanted we would have more of a uniform result and we definitely would not have it moving.  His recommendation at this point is to start the Fol-furi treatment again since she has not been on it in three years.  This treatment would include irrenotecan as the primary drug and a pill that is in the same family as 5-FU.  We know that with irrenotecan Tammy will lose her hair.  For me I am okay with that.  For me it is a chance to see her true beauty that is not masked by a hair style.  For her I’m sure it is not all that great.  Before she starts her chemo they are going to hit her femur with radiation and also hit the tumor in her lungs that has weakened and cracked her rib.  As it turns out that is one of the tumors that has grown and Tammy is starting to feel some discomfort in her rib.  As usual she is raring to get going as she wants to beat all those little burgers into the ground.  She has been up and walking with a walker and says that her pain is tolerable after surgery.  Hopefully the radiation will give her more relief by shrinking the tumor in her femur.

Last week over a couple of evenings I wrote down Tammy’s cancer history.  I did this for several reasons.  The first being that I have been carrying it around in my head for almost six years because at every new place we go they need a history.  Second I wanted to know what I could learn from the story it told.  It might surprise you that I might make the next statement, but I was really surprised at how short the list was.  Six years,  that is a long time, I thought if cancer is our story then it is a relatively short story.  So I delved into it deeper and came to the realization that if you add up the time in six years and subtract the days that are totally about cancer, there are a lot more days without than with.  So I had to ask myself what is our story really about.  One-hundred years from now when our grandkids are sitting around the campfire telling stories about Grandma and Grandpa Thaxton,  what is the story going to be about?  What story have I been telling?

Through the years I became our story-teller.  If I break it down, have I been telling a story about cancer, or have I been telling something else? If I sat down and went through our updates would cancer be the story I remember or would it be everything else.  I came to the conclusion that somewhere down the line we decided that we have control over what are story is going to be about.  Every day we write our own story and store it in the depths or our brains, and every once in a while we pull it back out and either tell it to ourselves or tell it to someone else.  What memories do I want to remember in ten years, or maybe just tomorrow?  Do I want to remember that cancer happened today or do I want to remember that living happened today?  I get to choose, I tell my own story.

So if our story is not cancer then what is it about?  Love comes to mind.  Love for each other, for our kids, our parents, friends near and far, even people that we have met once, some we have never met at all.  Love speaks to everyone.  Kindness, with all of the turmoil in the world, kindness to us and from us is our story.  Kindness speaks to everyone.  Courage, what can I say about courage.  As long as there is hope there is courage and when we think that there is no more hope we use our remaining courage to find more hope.  Strength, our strength is multiplied by thousands,  If we have a small amount left, that is enough when you have thousands helping you up.  Most of all our story is about gratitude.  We are simply beyond grateful for who and what we have in our lives.  Its interesting, we very rarely use the word cancer in our house.  I have come to the conclusion that cancer is not our story.  Our story is about everything else.

Back to the campfire:  “Grandma, She was the full of Strength, courage, gratitude, and Grace.  She was the definition of a Warrior Queen.  Grandpa, he just simply loved her with all of his heart.”

Tonight as you lay your head down on your pillow, think about what you are going to put in your story about today.  Your story today will have a direct influence on how your story goes tomorrow.  Bad things happen in life, that is a given.  Just because something bad happens doesn’t mean that your story is bad.  Write your story with what is good in life.  It is your story, make it a good one.

October 11, 2011- Colonoscopy found mass took biospy
October 13, 2011 - Met with Dr. Johnson and told Tammy
     has colon cancer
October 15, 2011- colectomy for removal of tumor
November 10, 2011- Installed port in chest for chemo
November 16, 2011- First round of Fol-fox chemo
November 30, 2011- Second round of Fol-fox chemo
December 14, 2011- Third round of Fol-fox chemo
December 28, 2011- Fourth round of Fol-fox chemo
January 11, 2011- Fifth round of Fol-fox chemo
January, 25, 2011- sixth round of Fol-fox chemo

February 6, 2012- Radiation of abdomen
February 7, 2012- Radiation of abdomen
February 8, 2012- Radiation of abdomen
February 9, 2012- Radiation of abdomen
February 10, 2012- Radiation of abdomen
February 12, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 13, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 14, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 15, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 16, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 19, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 20, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 21, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 22, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 23, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 26, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 27, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 28, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
February 29, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
March 1, 2012- Radiation of Abdomen
March 19, 2012- Sixth Fol-fox Chemo
April 2, 2012- Seventh Fol-fox chemo
April 16, 2012- Eighth Fol-fox Chemo
April 30, 2012- Ninth Fol-fox Chemo
May 14, 2012-Tenth Fol-fox chemo
June 4, 2012- Eleventh Fol-fox chemo
June 18,2012- Last Fol-fox treatment
June 30, 2012- Re-proposed to Tammy
July 4, 2012- Renewed Vows
February 2013- CT scan showed minuscule spot on lungs
     Had to wait four months to see if they grow.
June 12,2013- Re-diagnosed with metastasis in lungs.
     Nine spots found.
June 17, 2013- First appt. at MD Anderson in Houston
June 20, 2013- Re-install port for Chemo in Salina
June 24, 2013- Second appt. at MD Anderson in Houston
July 3,2013- First Fol-furi chemo plus Avastin
July 10, 2013- Starts losing hair
July 17, 2013- Second Fol-furi chemo
July 24, 2013- All hair gone
August 7, 2013- Third Fol-furi chemo
August 14, 2013- Nupegen shot for low white 
     blood count
August 21, 2013- Fourth Fol-furi chemo
August 28, 2013- Nupegen shot for low white
     blood count
September 4, 2013- Fifth Fol-furi chemo
September 11, 2013- Nupegen shot for low white
     blood count
September 16, Third trip to MD Anderson.  Spots 
     were shrinking
September 18, 2013- Sixth Fol-furi chemo
September 25, 2013- Nupegen shot for low white
     blood count
October 2, 2013- Seventh Fol-furi chemo
October 9, 2013- Nupegen shot for low white
     blood count
October 16, 2013- eighth Fol-furi chemo
October 23, 2013- Nupegen shot
October 30, 2013- Ninth Fol-furi chemo
November 6, 2013- Nupegen shot
November 13, 2013- Tenth Fol-furi chemo
November 20, 2013- Nupegen shot
November 27, 2013- Eleventh Fol-furi chemo
December 4, 2013- Nupegen shot
December 11, 2013- 12th Fol-furi chemo
January 3, 2014- Fourth trip to MD Anderson in Houston
January 8, 2014- Start Maintenance Chemo
     Fol-furi minus Irrenotecan, plus Avastin
January 22, 2014- Maintenance Chemo
February 5, 2014- Maintenance chemo
February 19, 2014- Maintenance chemo
March 5, 2014- Maintenance chemo
March 19, 2014- Maintenance chemo
March 22, 2014- Fifth trip to MD Anderson
April 2, 2014- Maintenance Chemo
April 16, 2014- Maintenance chemo
April 30, 2014- Maintenance chemo
May 14, 2014- Maintenance chemo
May 28, 2014- Maintenance chemo
June 11, 2014- Maintenance chemo
June 16, 2014- Sixth trip to MD Anderson
June 25, 2014- Maintenance chemo
July 9, 2014- Maintenance chemo
July 23, 2014- Maintenance chemo
August 6, 2014- Maintenance chemo
August 20, 2014- Maintenance chemo
September 3, 2014- Maintenance chemo
September 15, 2014- seventh trip to MD Anderson
September 17,2014- full Fol-furi with Avastin
October 1, 2014- full Fol-furi chemo
October 8, 2014- start to lose hair again
October 15, 2014- Fol-furi chemo
October 22, 2014- Hair completely gone
October 29, 2014- Nupegen shot
November 5, 2014- Fol-furi chemo
November 12, 2014- Nupegen shot
November 19, 2014- Fol-furi chemo
November 26, 2014- Nupegen shot
December 3, 2014- Fol-furi chemo
December 10, 2014- Nupegen shot
December 15, 2014- eighth trip to MD Anderson
December 22, 2014- Fol-furi chemo
December 29, 2014- Nupegen shot
January 5, 2015- Fol-furi chemo
February 16, 2015- Colostomy surgery
March 23, 2015- Ninth trip to MD Anderson
March 30, 2015- Fol-furi chemo
April 6, 2015-Nupegen shot
April 13, 2015- Fol-furi chemo
April 20, 2015-Nupegen shot
April 27, 2015- Fol-furi chemo
May 4, 2015- Nupegen shot
May 11, 2015- Fol-furi chemo
May 28, 2015- Tenth trip to MD Anderson
June 1, 2015- changed to fol-fox chemo
June 7, 2015- Went to Chicago to see about trial
June 15, 2015- Fol-fox chemo
June 15, 2015- Reaction to fox fox, never take again
August 7, 2015- Eleventh trip to MD Anderson
     recommend a two month break
October 2, 2015- trip to Chicago for Testing
October 11, 2015- Did not qualify for Chicago trial
October 22, 2015- 12th Trip to MD Anderson
October 28, 2015- 13th trip to Md stay two weeks
     clinical trial
November 14, 2015- Get back from MD Anderson 
     clinical trial
November 23, 2015, MD Anderson clinical trial
December 2, 2015, Md Anderson clinical trial
December 9, 2015, MD Anderson clinical trial
December 19, 2015, MD Anderson clinical trial
January 5, 2016, MD Anderson Clinical trial
January 19, 2016, MD Anderson Clinical trial
February 2, 2016- MD Anderson Clinical trial
February 16, 2016- MD Anderson Clinical Trial
March 7, 2016- Md Anderson testing
     Removed from trial for to much growth
March 14, 2016- Start Lonsurf chemo
March 15, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 16, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 17, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 18, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 21, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 22, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 23, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 24, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 25, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 28, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 29, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 30, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
March 31, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 1, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 11, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 12, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 13, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 14, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 15, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 18, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 19, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 20, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 21, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 22, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 23, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 24, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 25, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 26, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
April 27, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 5, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 6, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 7, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 8, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 9, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 12, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 13, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 14, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 15, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 16, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 18, 2016-MD Anderson
May 22, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 23, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 24, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 25, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 26, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 29, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 30, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
May 31, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 1, 2016-Lonsurf chemo
June 6, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 7, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 8, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 9, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 10, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 20, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 21, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 22, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 23, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 24, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 27, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 28, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 29, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
June 30, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 1, 2016-Lonsurf chemo
July 4, 2016-Lonsurf chemo
July 5, 2016-Lonsurf chemo
July 6, 2016-Lonsurf chemo
July 7, 2016-Lonsurf chemo
July 8, 2016-Lonsurf chemo
July 18, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 19, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 20, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 21, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 22, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 25, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 26, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 27, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 28, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
July 29, 2016- Lonsurf chemo
August 2, 2016- MD Anderson
     Lonsurf not working
September 19, 2016- St Louis Trial
October 3, 2016- St. Louis first infusion
October 11, 2016- 5 years 12%
October 10, 2016- St. Louis
October 17, 2016- St. Louis
October 24, 2016- St. Louis
October 31, 2016- St. Louis
November 7, 2016- St. Louis
November 14, 2016- St. Louis- Testing
November 28, 2016- St. Louis
December 1, 2016- Salina Regional Health Center
     Found brain tumor
December 2, 2016- Salina Regional
December 3, 2016- Brain surgery, Salina Regional
December 4, 2016- Salina Regional
December 5, 2016- Salina Regional
December 26, 2016- Radiation on brain, Salina
December 27, 2016- Ct scan- St Louis
     Found rib fracture
December 30, 2016- Radiation on brain, salina
January 3, 2017- MD Anderson
January 4, 2017- Radiation on Brain, Salina
January 9, 2017- St. Louis
January 11, 2017- Radiation on Brain, Salina
January 12, 2017- Adrenal Failure, Start steriods
January 13, 2017-found Lump above right eye
January 21, 2017- St. Louis- Removed from trial
February 6, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 7, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 8, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 9, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 10, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 11 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 12, 2017- Stivarga Chemo, start Sciatica
February 13, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 14, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 15, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 16, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 17, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 18, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 19, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 20, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 21, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 22, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 23, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 24, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 25, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 26, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 27, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
February 28, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
March 9, 2017-Salina Regional Health Center
     Adrenal Failure- Steroids and Antibiotics
March 10, 2017- Salina Regional
March 11, 2017- Salina Regional
March 12, 2017- Salina Regional
March 14, 2017-Kansas City
     Remove tumors from right orbital eye socket
March 20,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 21,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 22,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 23,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 24,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 25,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 26,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 27,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 28,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 29,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 30,2017- Stivarga chemo
March 31,2017- Stivarga chemo
April 1, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 2, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 3, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 4, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 5, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 6, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 7, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 8, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 9, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 10, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 11, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 12, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 13, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 14, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 15, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 16, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 17, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 18, 2017- Stivarga chemo
     CT scan- Salina
April 19, 2017- Stivarga and Radiation on right eye
April 20, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 21, 2017- Stivarga chemo and Radiation
April 22, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 23, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 24, 2017- Stivarga chemo and Radiation
April 25, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 26, 2017- Stivarga chemo and Radiation
April 27, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 28, 2017- Stivarga chemo and Radiation
April 29, 2017- Stivarga chemo
April 30, 2017- Stivarga chemo
May 1, 2017- Stivarga chemoand Radiation
May 2, 2017- Blisters From Chemo
May 3, 2017- Blisters From Chemo
May 4, 2017- Blisters From Chemo, Radiation
May 5, 2017- Blisters From Chemo
May 6, 2017- Blisters From Chemo, Radiation
May 7, 2017- Blisters From Chemo
May 8, 2017- Blisters From Chemo, Radiation
May 9, 2017- Blisters From Chemo
May 10, 2017-Blisters From Chemo
May 11, 2017-Blisters From Chemo, Radiation
May 12, 2017-Blisters From Chemo
May 13, 2017-Blisters From Chemo
May 14, 2017-Blisters From Chemo
May 15, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 16, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 17, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 18, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 19, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 20, 2017- Blisters from Chemo
May 21, 2017- Blisters from Chemo
May 22, 2017- Blisters from Chemo
May 23, 2017- Blisters from Chemo
May 24, 2017- Blisters from Chemo
May 25, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 26, 2017- Stivarga Chemo, Epidural shot in back
May 27, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 28, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 29, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 30, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
May 31, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 8, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 9, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 10, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 11, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 12, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 13, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 14, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
June 15, 2017- Second Epidural shot in Back
June 21, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 22, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 23, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 24, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 25, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 26, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 27, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 28, 2017- Stivarga chemo, Third epidural shot
June 29, 2017- Stivarga chemo
June 30, 2017- Stivarga chemo
July 1, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 5, 2017- Salina- Back Surgery
July 10, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 11, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 12, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 13, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 14, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 15, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 16, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 17, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 18, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 19, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
July 20, 2017- Stivarga Chemo
August 2, 2017-Salina Regional 
     Second Back Surgery
August 3, 2017- Salina Regional
     Found tumor on left Femur
August 4, 2017-Salina Regional
August 5, 2017- Home
August 9, 2017- Salina Regional
     surgery- nailing Femur
August 10, 2017- Salina Regional
August 11, 2017- Salina Regional
august 16, 2017- Salina Dr. Deutsch
     growth in chest

I hope you all had a good weekend.  This update seems to be a little a little sooner that I thought, but as it turned out, the powers that be thought I needed to dust off my pencil and get busy filling you all in.  Kylee is recouping well from her surgery.  She still has mild bouts of nausea, but they tell us that is normal because the body has to get used to not having a gall bladder.

Tammy’s overnight visit to the Salina Spa Center turned into a little more that we had planned on.  After surgery she was still having a lot of pain in her hip area.  Her surgeon came in and checked on her Wednesday evening and manipulated her leg around.  In certain positions Tammy would want to jump out of bed.  Doc scratched his head a little and said lets give it the night and see how things are in the morning.  Tammy settled down and had a decent night.  When Dr Whitlow returned in the morning he manipulated he leg again and just felt that there was something going on in her hip that was not right.  He ordered an MRI of her hip for Thursday and said that he would be back later that evening.  In the meantime Tammy had found some spunk and was talking any ones ear off that would happen to stop by.

Around five Thursday evening Dr.  came back with the results of the MRI.  She has two issues going on.  The first is that she had some arterial necrosis on the ball of her femur.  Most likely due to long-term steroid use.  This was not a surprise as he had mentioned that this could be the cause of her pain.  It’s basically the lack of blood flow to the ends of our long bones.  The second issue is that she has a cancerous lesion on her femur.  He told her that from here on out she was not to put any weight on that leg.  He ordered an x-ray that showed that she already has a crack in her femur and the biggest concern right now is that she could very easily completely break the bone because it is very week from the cancer.  Deep Breath………….

I don’t think that it was a big surprise to us that it was there.  Tammy is being Tammy and is going full speed ahead to take on this problem.  It was determined that the first thing that needs to be done is that she needs her femur nailed.  It you really want to know what that it just google it.  To be totally honest it was not what I really expected, but as long as it works Tammy says she game.  After she heals enough they will do radiation to the tumor to see if they can get it taken care of.  Surgery will be tomorrow, Tuesday the eighth, at one thirty, at the surgical center.  She is supposed to have a CT of her chest at some point, but that has been put on the back burner as we chase this fire.

I feel I need to share a story with you.  I finally went back in to work on Friday and was busy trying to get caught up and trying to figure out how this week was going to work out.  I was speaking with a co-worker and we were just about done with our talk and he said, “I pray for her everyday.”

I thanked him and as we sometimes do when we just don’t know what to say, he said, “I don’t know if it is working or not, it kind of sounds like it isn’t.”

I told him that I need to stop you right there.  Maybe it is just how I perceive things now, but I think they are working very well. ”  I told him, “If she would not have had this second surgery they might not have found the tumor on her femur.  She could have kept going on it and eventually broke it and had a more problems.  As far as I’m concerned your prayers are working just fine.  This was her and the doctors  second chance.  It was not what we were expecting but it was where she needed to be.”

After he thought about it for a minute he agreed and told me a story from his own life that was similar.

All of your prayers, thoughts, well wishes, or what ever you wish to call them matter.  There is power in them that we don’t understand.  I am not going to lie and say that we are happy about this.  Each time the cancer moves it is all of the emotion, fear, and anxiety all over again,  but we find our greatest strength in gratitude.  We are thankful for all of the little things that are going our way.  We are sustained by the little victories like not completely breaking a bone that in all likely hood could have been catastrophic has it not been found.  We are thankful for all of the doctors that literally drop what they are doing when they know Tammy is coming to see them,

We took a few more steps back in the last week.  That is okay.  We are still standing, and cancer, just so you know, we are coming for you, and we have the might of thousands behind us.

You would think that I would be used to this view by now.

Every time seems like it’s a surprise though.  Our expectation is that everything will always get better.  When things go the wrong way there is always something surreal about it, which is crazy because we live it everyday.  If you have not heard, Tammy’s first back surgery did not take.  She was doing really good and then boom everything turned and she started heading the wrong direction again.  Her pain started to ramp up again.  The last two weeks she has been in extreme pain and back to not being mobile again, spending days and nights in the sanctuary of the recliner where she could find a small amount of relief.

She had been in contact with her surgeon and today she finally had her appointment.  Dr. Whitlow is great doctor and a great person.  After he saw her and looked through her MRI he generously got her into surgery this afternoon.  Basically he did the same surgery over.  The same disc had ruptured again.  There is always a small chance that this might happen, and wouldn’t you know it Tammy was one of the lucky ones.  She is resting now.  She is still in some pretty good pain but Dr. Whitlow is hoping that after a few days the nerve will settle back down.  We hope that happens as well.

Its been a pretty crazy week so far.  Our oldest daughter Kylee has been having issues all summer also.  Mainly battling nausea and some pain and discomfort in her abdomen.  After running multiple tests to try to figure out what was wrong, it was determined that is was her gall bladder that was acting up.  Monday, she had surgery to remove it.  She is recovering well so far and is starting to feal much better.  Wow, Its only Wednesday.

Tired is really the only word that comes to mind right now.  I know Tammy is tired of the pain.  I know it is just exhausting for her to live with it every day.  For me, I am just tired.  Mentally and physically we are both pretty run down.  For now we will keep doing what we always do.  We will keep moving forward.  We got knocked back a step or two but we are still here.  As Rocky said,  “It’s not how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit , and keep moving forward.  That’s how winning is done.”  So that is what we are going to do,  Keep moving forward.

Thank you all for your unending support.  We will get through this, and a big part of the reason we are so confident is because we know that there are thousands of you holding us up when we don’t think we have enough strength to hold ourselves up.  We love you all, thank you.

Thank you for all of the wonderful prayer, comments, and support.  We came home from the hospital late this morning.  Surgery went very well and Tammy is recovering very well.  As soon as we were able to see her it was all smiles and the giddiness of a kid in a candy store.  For the first time in many months she was pain-free.  She has some discomfort in the area of the incision and an occasional back spasm, but that is all.

Going forward she will start her chemo in three days.  Her total recovery from surgery is expected to be eight weeks before she is fully back to normal.  She has lung scans scheduled for the beginning of August to see what been going on in there.  Her CEA has been inching up over the last couple of months but she has been on and off her chemo a lot because of side-effects and sickness.

We really don’t know what to expect in the coming days and months.  As usual life has been a roller-coaster of up and downs.  For a while now it seems that something else has come up right after she gets one thing figured out.  Right now we are just going to live for the moment that we are in, cherishing each second, minute, hour, and day that she does not have to fight through any pain.  Whatever happens tomorrow, will happen no matter how much we try to plan for it, escape it, or fear it.  Tonight as you lay down to go to sleep do me a favor.  Be deliberate, be specific, and be thankful for everyone in your life.