Happy New Year to you all.  Its been a while since you have heard from us.  We had a wonderful holiday season full of family and friends.  All of my family made it here for Christmas and we were able to spend lots of time with Tammy’s over break.  The time was filled with lots of laughter, smiles, music and love.  What more could we ask for.  If we let ourselves, Christmas is a magical time full of love and joy.  2018 is off to a flying start, and I have a feeling it is going to fly by.

Tammy has been feeling relatively well and was able to do quite a bit over break.  She actually sat and played poker against her arch card nemesis Chad, and had a blast.  She said that she really missed being competitive.  They both ended up losing, so that  added a lot more smiles and laughter from the gallery.

As far as cancer goes the news has not been all that we were hoping for.  The radiation that she has been doing has been helping.  The known spots have been shrinking, which helps with pain.  The stinky part is that it keeps moving, so we keep chasing.  The last week of December she had a pet scan and they found a few more spots.  They found two small lesions on her brain.  A soft tissue tumor on her left hip and a couple of spots on her sacrum which is right above your tail bone.  The doctors continue to hit each spot as they come and so far it has been successful.  For the most part she can keep her pain under control with pain meds and is able to function.  Each day is a new adventure, but she still has a determined look in her eye.  This week she had her first chemo infusion in a while, and besides fatigue she is doing ok.  Radiation five days a week plus chemo makes a bad combo for white blood counts, so she has been trying to stay out of crowds because of all of the sickness going around.

Personally I have been very frustrated.  I have really had to dig deep into myself this month and try to come to terms with how things are going.  For me, I have been feeling that there has been no sense of urgency from Tammy’s Doctors.  As a husband and care giver this is very frustrating and stressful.  I want them to do something now and get her fixed up.  Tammy is very methodical in her approach.  She takes on each spot as they come and focuses all of her energy there.  I on the other hand have been struggling with all of them at once, which is my nature,  and why I have had to dig really deep into my bag of emotions to try to come to terms.

The first thing that I had to do was find some grace, or more accurately I had to extend some.  I had to force myself to remember that her doctors are people too and they also have her best interest at heart.  I have to remember that they have been fighting for Tammy for six years also.  They are vested in her well-being, and I have no doubt are hurting when something goes the wrong way.  I’m sure some days they feel just as helpless as I do.  I have to cool my jets, which leads me to my next realization, gratitude.

Instead of tearing her doctors down in my mind I need to be grateful for there help.  They have kept her with us for six years.  If I am truly honest with myself they have already created a miracle.  So humbly I digress,  Doctors, I am so thankful for you.  Our timing might not be on the same page, but I have no doubt that our hearts are.

I have also had to take a step back away from the battle and remember why this is all important.  I have not asked why this is happening to us for a long time.  I believe with all of my heart that I am here, in this fight, and in Tammy’s life for a reason.  I was picked because I have something that Tammy needs on her journey.  I am grateful that I was picked for the job.  I am grateful that if she needs help up from her chair, she reaches for my hand.  I am grateful that if she needs help getting her shoes on, I get to bend down on my knees to help her.  I am grateful that when she is hurting, she asks me to help her find a way to relieve it.  Most of all I am grateful that she picked me.  Out of a million men to choose from, she picked me.  I love her for it, and no matter what happens, she is enough.