I’m walking down this road, there seems no end in sight.  Everywhere I turn I find you on mind.  Nothing I can do will keep me here with you.  Things are moving so fast I can feel you slipping through.  Where you are now I have no clue.  Wish I could find the words to sit down and talk to you.  Sometimes it feels like I’m running in circles.  Things I see make no sense to me.
The man I was, the man I wish to be.  Is he gone, or is he me.

Twenty-six, that  is how many years ago me and Sonny sat around our dorm room writing the above words to the song “Is He Me.”  Tanner has been wanting me to write down the lyrics for him because he want to learn it.  Friday night I pulled out the guitar and somehow remembered the cords and the words just came to me.  We were doing other things at the time and I didn’t think about it much and just went along doing stuff.  I didn’t really listen to myself.  I just spit them out.  So fast forward a day or two.  My thoughts turned back to the song and I decided I needed to hear the song in my head again.  I needed to listen and hear what the song was telling me.  If you want to see the rest of the words or hear the song it is on my blog.  Who knew.  What energy could possibly have transcended time and found the exact words of how I feel twenty-six years later.  Lost in a different battle trying to find who is looking back at me in the mirror.

I was Casey.  I had one single purpose in my life.  It was very simple,  to love her and to love my kids.  I had narrowed my life down to them.  Nothing else mattered.  Giving up everything for someone you love is easy.  Now, everything is in some grey area.  I am lost between who I want to be and what is.  Case and point, my wedding ring.  I have worn it every day for almost twenty-two

years.  It is a part of me.  I have a calloused indention in my finger.  I don’t want to really take it off.  It’s grey,  I don’t know if i am married or not.   I have come to the conclusion that there are a thousand places or books you can learn or read on how to build your life.  No one ever talks about how to take apart everything you have ever wanted.

Providence has a way focusing our thoughts and intentions and so this week has had the saddest day of my life and one of the happiest.  I was redirected to softball games and then Friday night Tanner was able to sing his songs for the first time in front of an audience.  I had a peacefulness in me about it. I knew he was nervous, but I had no doubt.  He was going to be awesome, and he was.  I am very proud of him for stepping out and just going for it.  I might have shed a few tears after.  I was just so proud of him.

Last night I was given another gift.  Morgan got all gussied up for prom.  Wow, what a beauty.  My kids are true gifts.  For now they are my purpose and I am extremely proud of all them.

As I sit here and write this and try to put thoughts down, I can’t help but be hopeful.  For the last six years we have been living on the curve of life.  Now we have a chance to hit the straight away and coast for a while.  There are going to be days where we are sad.  I still turn around to ask her a question.  Sadness is a part of life.  I want to embrace it.  If I was not sad then it would mean that all of it wasn’t worth it, that it didn’t mean something.  She meant everything and so it will be hard, but I would not trade a day of all of it.  It was worth every second.  I want to feel every emotion.  I want to shed every tear.  I want to consume all of it.  That is what life is all about.  It’s about deepest sadness for what we have lost, and in the same instant the pure joy at everything life has to offer.

I really want to thank you all for everything you have done to help us for the last six years.  I don’t know how to do that.  How do you say thank you to so many people who have given you so much.  All I know to say is thank you for letting me love Tammy.  Thank you for giving me so much help that I could lose myself in helping her fight.  Loving her was a gift and something that will be with me for the rest of my life and I am truly grateful to have had the chance to do it.