Poetry

Dancing in the Rain

Leave a comment

Swallow my fear I shall dance in the rain. Lay my head back and let it whisper to my soul that It will be okay.  Let it wash away my sadness.  Let it run my pain away.  Let is dance on my skin and wash all the tears away.  The mist makes my breath heavy, I see it float away.  The fog holds my thoughts, I just can’t seem to break the grey.  I hold on to the silence, I hold on to the fear.  I hope the rain will make the way seem perfectly clear.

Swallow my fear I shall dance in the rain.  The sadness digs deeper.  I breath out with a sigh.  I try to hold my feelings in, but it would just be a big lie.  Fear fills me, sobs fill my eyes.  My heart is being broken.  I can’t stop my will to cry.  I double over with sadness. I fall to my knee’s and pray.  God please help this rain get me through today.

Swallow my fear I shall dance in the rain.  I gather my emotion, I put it back inside.  It’s time to tell the fear and pain I am done with you today.  My tears have all now fallen, washed off with all this rain.  Its time to get my thoughts on track, it’s time to get back in the game.

I have swallowed all my fear, I have flushed is down the drain.  I choose to live my life again. I will live it frame by frame.  Where ever life takes me, whatever path I come too , sometimes we have to let it rain, there is nothing else we can do.   I have a lot of choices, I have a lot to change, but today i think I will say the hell with it and just go dancing in the rain.

Stories

The Lucky Ones

Leave a comment

Walk with me; see the green grass, the trees in the breeze.  The ruffle of a feather, the old man on his knees.  Stand, hold my hand, and watch as the sun sets on a time full of high seas and low tides.  Run, run, as we dance to the shimmer of the water.  Hold tight, come close, and sit beside me as we entangle our souls.  Souls bound by endless greed, the need, it started with one seed, bound by time, not ready to be freed.  Lie down, hold tight, sleep, hold tight.  Dream, hold tight.  Watch, wait, stand, walk, run, keep up, hold on, and dance to the strings that play in my heart.  Laugh till we cry, love forever more; live, until we die. 

See for me the future. Stand with me in kind.  Touch me through a whisper.  Hold me for a time.  Hold, hold, hold my sight on today, look on with no wonder, what is at this moment.  The future is now.  It holds no bounty over us.  What we can see is before us.  We are on the edge.  We see it all.  We see, we see, hold back no fears.  Stand on the rock, prepare to fly, step up to the grandeur of all things.  See through the eyes of an eagle.  Be free, be free, hold nothing back, live on the breath of the wind, fly with the wind at our backs, and live.  No wonder, no wish, no if.  Free from the bounty that time places on things.  Free from the chains of man.  The freedom to see through the eyes of today.

Slow down, slow down, and look into my eyes.  See deep within me.  Feel my heat surround you.  Feel, but the slightest breath upon your neck.  Sense my false touch.  Endure my energy as I almost touch you. Close your eyes and sense my will to hold you, boundless, senseless, endless.  Touch, feel my heart. Touch, feel my soul. Touch, feel my endless well of love wash over you. Feel as we submit to the power of two hearts intertwined as one.  A mass of energy flowing in every direction, radiation from our souls bound for eternity.

Sit with me.  Hold my hand.  Watch with me.  See with me a world in full color.  Nothing to hold us back.  No false shades of grey to shield our eyes from the true beauty that is spread out before us.  May our eyes be wide open, may our hearts be full, and we will always know, that we are the lucky ones.

Phylosophy

It Happens

3 Comments

It happens. Yep, everyday.  It always brings me back to the famous scene in Forest Gump when he is running and steps in “it.”  The bumper sticker guy doesn’t know what to do.  Forrest just says, “it happens.”  So what is “it?”  In the movie it was very specific about what “it” was, but for me it is more broad.  For me when I say “it happens” I mean that life happens.  Most of the time we are not ready, and no matter how much control we think we have, we really don’t.10641266_778668682196116_8864133138226445800_n

This picture is case and point.  It was two years ago and yes they are both stuck in the mud, it happens.  I decided to write this for my benefit.  This week has stacked up and is a doozy.  I am trying to convince myself that “it” happens and it is okay that it does.  I don’t have any control over most of it, so just move on down the road.

Monday started off muddy.  It rained pretty good on Friday and didn’t dry over the weekend.  I am having to meet compaction requirements on the job I’m working on and the dirt that we dug out was wet to begin with, so it’s a lot of mud.  Drying mud is about as fun as watching paint dry and takes about four times as long.  I don’t have any control over the weather so I just chalked that up to it happens and keep stirring my dirt with hopes that it will not rain again for a while.

I decided that I needed to get a skid loader out to the job site so Monday morning I go and get my trailer and pull into the pasture to get it.  I don’t know I must have had a little too much rolling around between my ears.  As I backed it on the trailer my track came down on the wheel well of the trailer, smashing it.  AAAAHHHHH,  I spent the next hour trying to pull the metal off of the tire so that I could pull the trailer 30 miles to the job site.  It happens, I guess,  fix it and move on.

It now almost noon, I stir my dirt and get a little bit accomplished but I have to leave at three-thirty because Kylee has a doctor’s appointment at four.  Two weeks ago she got a concussion from being dehydrated and standing up to fast.  Who knew, something about vessels not constricting and pushing the blood back up to your head fast enough.  She blacked out and must have hit her head on something.  She doesn’t remember, so now concussion protocol here we are.  She had a good appointment and is on her way to a full recovery.  We drove separate vehicles because she was coming from school and me from work.  As we are walking to our cars I hear someone yell at me.

He is waving and says, “is this your truck.”

“Yes,” I say.

He says, ” a little while ago a guy in a brown car pull in here and grabbed an orange case out of the back of your truck, it looked like a chain saw.”

I look in the back of the truck and sure enough my chainsaw is gone.  A nice thousand dollar bill down the drain.  It happens.  I just hope he feeds his kids with the money or maybe gets some jobs trimming trees to help support his family.   We can hope right.  I take a deep breath and head on down the road.

I guess I was living right on Tuesday because besides the mud I don’t think I broke anything.  That brings us to today.

I get to the job site and am visiting with my inspector.  I happen to look over at the excavator and the pile of rock that is next to it.  I don’t know what switch went off in my brain but I blurted out, “someones been in my excavator.”  I walk over and sure enough someone had been in it.  Started it up and helped themselves to some of the rock on the project.  It’s interesting because I had the keys in my pocket.  equipment keys are all the same, but still, come on guys.  It happens, at least it was still on its tracks, still had fuel, and the batteries were still there.

So where do I go from here.  Life has definitely happened this week.  I can’t say that I’m all that excited about it, but it is what it is.  I suppose I could have paid a little more attention as I came up on the trailer or locked the chainsaw up.  I suppose I could have done a lot of things different, but I didn’t.  So it happened.  I suppose I could start to lose my faith in humanity, but really, is a chainsaw or a little bit of rock really worth that.  I suppose I should start to lock things up tighter and not believe that people are good, But I won’t.  People are good and for what ever reason these people evidently needed my stuff a lot more than me.  I will still probably be day dreaming tomorrow so please don’t stand on the wheel wells of my trailer.

In all reality what have I really lost.  Nothing.  I have what is important to me.  I have what really matters.  I have my family, a roof over my head and food on the table.  I have people who let me love them and they love me back.  I have all I need and you know what.  That happens too.

Poetry

While You Were Sleeping

Leave a comment

Standing at the window,

Watching with sightless eyes,

Waiting for the night to come,485822_354827717913550_1625990637_n

Waiting on the sun,

It doesn’t matter when you wake up,

I just can’t wait for that time to come.

Watching nothing,

Standing all alone,

I see everything in our past,

I see everything I thought would come,

Wishing I could take it all away,

Tomorrow will be a new day.

 

While you were sleeping,

I talked to God,

I said, where am I going,

And what am I supposed to do,

I love her so much,

Please help her pull through,

Walk with my angel,

Keep holding her tight,

Don’t forget about my baby,

Just give me one more night,

 

Laying here beside you,

I listen with no sound,

The silent movie plays before me,

I slowly put my knees down on the ground,

I only wish we could choose,

Which way the world turns around.

But life is just life,

What we fear we have lost can always be found,

What once we took for granted,

Is so important now,

Time on a clock is fleeting,

Time with each other is our sound.

 

While you were sleeping,

I talked to God,

I said, where am I going,

And what am I supposed to do,

I love her so much

Please help her pull through,

Walk with my angel,

Keep holding her tight,

Don’t forget about my baby,

Thank you for tonight!

Stories

The Thermometer

Leave a comment

Every one has left and said there good lucks and we will see you in a few hours.  I have a few minutes to sit and contemplate everything before I go under the knife.  It’s just a simple (so they say) procedure but for some reason I feel the terror of the what ifs.  I know they probably will not happen and I will be fine, but there is always that chance.  As I am choking down my fear and trying to summon my courage I am suddenly transported back into time and a memory of a wonderful old man I loved to call, Grandpa.

I remember fondly sitting in the dentist’s chair waiting to get my first tooth pulled.  I can’t remember why Grandpa was there with me but he was.  I was nervous and scared.  As people who know us well usually do, Grandpa could tell that I was on the verge of falling apart. Grandpa slowly got up from his chair across the room and ambled over to the dentist’s chair on wheels and sat down and wheeled him self over beside me.

He Said, “Do you know how to measure how cold it is?”

Through tear swelled eyes I said, “a thermometer.”

“Nope,” he says, “a thermometer only measures how much heat there is.  As a mater of fact there is no way to measure how cold something is.”

I distinctly remember my young brain thinking, “what in the world is he talking about,” but I just sat there wallowing in fear and getting more anxious by the second.

After a few minutes he leans forward again and says, “do you know what absolute zero is?”

I think he has fallen off his rocker or at least he is the squeaky wheel on the dentist’s chair but non the less I simply shake my head no.

He smiles at me and says, “absolute zero is the absence of all heat, It is the coldest temperature that we can record because all of the heat is gone.  There is none, zero.  That means for all relevant purposes it is dead.”

Okay, we are talking about death now. What in the heck is going on Grandpa.  As my tears start to well over and the dam is about to burst, He grabs my hand and softens his eyes.

“You know,” he says, “fear is kind of like cold.  We don’t measure fear because fear really doesn’t exist. ”  He touches my head and continues. “fear is something that we create up here when there is an absence of courage, Do you know what courage is?”

I slowly nod my head yes and he continues.

“Good,  The great thing about courage is that it is just like heat,  It is always there.  All we have to do is stop making up the fear and grab hold of the courage that is already in us.  We will always have courage unless we reach absolute zero.  So that means that as long as we are alive we will always have courage.  So as you sit here getting ready for the dentist to come in start thinking about the heat instead of the cold.  Gather what courage you have and build on it.  It just like in the old days when we used to rub sticks together to make a fire to stay warm.  You gather your courage and you keep rubbing it together until you have a roaring fire inside of you.”

He pats me on the hand and says, “I love you, now you get to rubbing,” and gets up and goes back to his chair.

I come back to reality with a smile on my face.  I probably didn’t understand everything he was saying all those years ago. but it did leave a lasting impression of my life.  As I lay back and close my eyes I start rubbing my courage together and know that everything will be alright.

Poetry

Raindrops of Innocence

Leave a comment

I walk to the window, I see her hit the floor
My heart pounds with sadness
I reach out to touch the door
He see’s me through the window
All I see is rage
I run to find my soul again
I should never have to see this at such a young age

Raindrops of innocence fall to the floor
What I was in the past, I am no more
The moonlight shines on me
I fall to the floor
Rain drops of innocence, please open a new door.

I walk this road with envy, I stand up ready to fight
I can’t believe you are with him. It just doesn’t seen right
I watch you from a distance, I really can’t stand the sight
I gave you everything I had
I held you through the night
I feel that I am broken
I feel that I am lost
I often wonder now
Was it really worth the cost

Raindrops of innocence fall to the floor
What I was in the past I am no more
The moonlight shines on me
I fall to the floor
Raindrops of innocence, please open a new door.

I sit here beside her, I hope she knows she’s not alone
I watch her heart beating, I just want to take her home
I hold her so tightly, I won’t let her go
She means too much to me
I am afraid to be alone

Raindrops of innocence fall to the floor
What I was in the past, I am no more
The moonlight shines on me
I fall to the floor
Raindrops of innocence, please open a new door

I sit in my chair, my innocence is gone
An old man from living, an old man who’s done
I reflect on my past, I see where I have gone
There are no more raindrops,
I have lived my life some
I walk to the light within me
I reach out to touch its hand
I know that I am safe now
I no longer need a new plan
For I am with you now
I am back to where it all began

Uncategorized

Who I Am

1 Comment

I am an excavation contractor by day and infamous writer by night.  I am married to the love of my life and we12022432_1098616900201291_2007592005741633321_o have four kids.  Five years ago my wife was diagnosed with cancer and she has been fighting it ever since.  She has stage four colon cancer that has metastasized to her lungs.  Along this journey I picked up my pen and started to write.  I write about our cancer journey, our love for each other , our love for our kids, and our love for the human race.  I delve into philosophy once in a while and write a lot about relationships.  I wanted this site to be all about emotion.  Through our journey I have come to realize that living life is about living our emotions out.  If we are sad then we need to let ourselves be sad.  We have to convince ourselves that it is ok.  That is how we heal.  They same goes with all other emotions.

Life is not always about being rational.  If it was then life would be rational.  Five years ago our life stopped being rational.  There is no reason that Tammy has cancer.  It just happened.  Our lives never work out how we plan them.  They just happen.  I believe that if you truly want to live your life then you have to do it through your emotion.  Thanks for coming to see me!!

Casey

Our Story

Falling Slowly

Leave a comment
Life has a way of dampening our emotions over time. When we are young we jump into life and take leaps of faith more often. We fall deeply and madly in love. We are passionate about things, and have high expectations of what life is supposed to be. We do things fast, not knowing what or if it is the right emotion that we are feeling. All we know is that it feels good, and no matter what, we are going to keep doing it. One year turns into three, and one child turns into four. Life keeps moving on, we keep getting older, and before you know it we have been married for twenty years. We have some grey hair. A few scars, and a whole lot of memories. We are no longer the twenty-somethings living life on a wing a prayer. We are seasoned veterans of life. We take it as it comes not wanting it to go too fast, and most of the time wishing it would slow down. We are angered slower and cry faster, and laugh every chance we get. We are not the people that we used to be. Every day for the last twenty years we have been changing. The girl that I first said I love you to, a long time ago is gone, just as the young man who said I love you to you, is gone. What we believed we would be and what we are, are so very different. With age we realize that we do not fall madly in love. Love is not just a feeling or an emotion. Love is the way that we treat each other. Love is the way that we touch each other. Love is the way we support each other. Love is the way we teach each other. Twenty years ago I fell madly in love with you. Everyday since I have been falling slowly. Falling in love with the new person you become everyday. Falling in love with the person who you will become tomorrow. That is what real love is all about. I am not in love with who I think you should be. I am in love with who you are, and you are enough. Happy 20th anniversary!! I love you.
Phylosophy

I Am Weary

Leave a comment
I stand amongst the hills and valleys in wonder. At what point will they end or will they simply go on forever, my only hope is for long gentle plateaus where I can catch my breath and rest, for I am weary. I wonder what strength Prometheus possessed each night for each day was filled with the agony of trying to save all of mankind. I am not Prometheus, I am a Dolor Congreget. I gather from everyone near me and hold it for them so that they do not feel it. As the light begins to wane and I begin my descent I can only hope that I have enough strength to climb from the depths and conquer another valley. With each step I feel the remaining strength I have left seep from my skin. I know what is coming. It comes with the darkness. It comes whether I am ready or not. It comes with a vengeance and knows no bounds. It is the Probatio Fidei. The test of Faith.
Here the path is heavily warn and easy to follow. The descent into the shadows is followed by all at some point. It is the path going up the other side that is hard to follow. I stumble none the less. With each step I feel the weight of my burdens. It is my calling to carry for all. It is my gift, but it is heavy. As I reach the bottom I feel myself tremble for I know that I have made it here, but I also know that now the hard part begins. I just want to rest, I want to know peace for just a moment. I am tempted to lie down and be taken. I close my eyes for a moment and see all of the pain in the world and how easy life would be if I had no burdens to bare. I slowly open my eyes and know the test has begun. SAMYAZA, They have felt my weakness. They have sent the leader of the fallen for my soul. He stands in front of me a picture of perfection. There is no dirt under his fingernails and his hair does not blow in the slight breeze that is around us. He does not speak but I can see his intentions reflected from his eyes. I look close and see the flames that shimmer out of the cuffs of his tailored shirt. I feel the pressure of his gaze as it weighs me down even more and I feel that I can not stand it anymore. I want to fight but I don’t know if I can. His weight is so great that I just want to let him take it away. I want to give up so that he can take it all away. I begin to waver and slowly fall to my knees. I tremble, I shake, all of the fear and pain that is inside of me vibrates as I struggle to hold it all in. I begin to waver and fall.
I feel myself falling and as if I am on a cloud I feel my weight lifted off of the ground and I am moving. I slowly turn my head and look back. Samyaza is smiling. He puts in my mind that we shall meet again. I tell myself that next time I will not be so weak. My fellow travelers carry me until we are out of site of the fallen and set me down. I thank them for their strength. They reply that I am so weak because I carry too much for all of them. “You have saved all of us in the darkness as well.” They pull me up and we all start moving up now. The first test has been passed. Our hope is that it will be a gentle slope to climb, our reality is that it will be very difficult. Our faith in our Master has been tested, now it is time to test our hearts. How much are we willing to endure to fulfill our destiny. We climb in the darkness. Those of us that are still on the path have grouped together. Unfortunately we are so few that have made it this far. So many fail in the valley and so many give up when it gets really tough. We are on our hands and knees now. Our fingers are bloody and our cloths in shreds. I feel that I can not go on anymore. I try to find a remedy that will allow me to stop. My burdens push me down. I sink into the mud of despair, If only I could go on.
“I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.” The call is relayed down the line and wails of thankfulness fill the air. I begin to tremble. If they have seen the light then I know that I am close to the top. I can make it. I feel the tears as they slowly leak from me. My whole body weeps. I shudder as the burdens that I have been carrying fall to ground. I shake as the pain is released and my burden is lifted. I am cleansed as the light breaks the crest. I climb up the rest of the way though the blood and tears of so many that have passed before me. As we all reach the top we gather around and bask in the warmth of the light. We join together and give thanks that we have made it though another valley. That we have traveled through the darkness once again and have overcome. As we set out once again across another plateau to gather our burdens we also gather the light. Yes, I am weary, but with each burden I gather I leave light in its place. That is what I am made for, It is my destiny. I am Dolor Congreget, but also Formans Lucem, a giver of light.
Phylosophy

Echoes

Leave a comment
What is to become of us who hold so dear the beat of each others heart. We embrace each solitary beat holding on to the meaning of what the next beat is. It is not our whim that it has happened but a force of will that we have put upon each other in hopes that our love will live on forever. If your heart skips a beat mine shall surely mirror and skip one as well. If you bleed, I shall bleed too. Our attachment is not just of the body and mind. It is a coupling of the soul. I feel your whisper without it being said. I feel your pain when no one else can see it. I hold your joy when you will not share it with anyone else. We are hopelessly attached for all time. Bound by nothing but the love within our hearts, unbound from the chains that man has put upon himself in the hopes of restraining all that is good within us. Hold me now for I need your embrace. Let me feel the warmth of your soul as it envelopes mine. Let are hearts come into time and beat with a singular efficiency that only we can understand and feel. Smother me in your love for no other reason than that you can and you have the desire to. Hold me tight and let it seep into my very reason to be alive. What we shall become is nothing compared to what we are. We are the sum of two hearts. Hearts that beat for each other, not beside each other. Our love will be heard for a lifetime. Our echo will last for eternity.