Another month has flown by.   Tammy has had a decent month.  She was able to have a two-week break from radiation everyday, which was very good for her.  She gained some strength both physically and mentally.  The doctors were hoping for a longer break but Tammy’s pain started to ramp up.  She has several small lesions on her spine.  They are located in places that are affecting nerves.  At first it was pain radiating out to her shoulders.  Radiation has helped with that pain, but in the interim, pain has started to wrap down her legs to her knees.  It’s the same story as a nerve has been affected.  hopefully next week she will get to start radiating that one to hopefully give her some relief.  The status quo has been maintained.  We are still chasing.

I feel compelled to tell you a story.  With my new job and the location of our new house, I am able to come home for lunch every day.  I love it.  I have never had that opportunity on a regular basis before.  Tammy’s radiation has been around lunchtime for quite a while.  So when I come home I get to help her get ready.  It hurts for her to do many things that we take for granted, so I do things such as get her cloths, put pain patches on and help her get dressed.  This past week, as I got down on my knees to help her with her shoes and socks, I had a thought pop into my head.  “So this is what it means to serve.”  You have to understand that when I come home from work for lunch I am pretty hyped up from being very busy.  By the time I get to the shoes, I have calmed down.  My revelation was a combination of what was calming me and the deep meaning of what I was actually doing.

I have tried many times in the last week to find a definition of “service” that applies to what I have been thinking.  I can’t find one.  So I made one up in Latin.  Per servitium esse in caritate.  To be of service through love.  Most of the time when we help our spouses it is tied to some sort of expectation.  If you help me do this I will help you do that.  This week I realized that I was calm because I help Tammy with no expectation.  I do it because I love her.  I do it because I want to, not because I have too.

So as I sat there on my knees looking up at her my thoughts we also tinged with a bit of sadness.  You see, usually everyday I take her breakfast in bed.  It takes a while for her pain meds to kick in and she needs to eat something with them.  I usually bring all of her meals to her because if she is in a spot where she is not hurting she doesn’t want to move.  My sadness came from the thought of, “why did she have to be in so much pain before I realized the happiness and calmness that came from simply serving her through love?”  Why did it take me 21 years to realize this.  How many breakfast in bed have I missed because there was nothing in it for me.  How many times did I give a big sigh after she asked me to help her find her cloths.  I realized that serving through love is not a transaction in the sense that If I provide her this, she will provide me that.  To me this was profound.  My calmness came from the lack of expectation.  I help her because I can.  I help her because she needs me.  She has needed me for twenty-one years.  I had simply failed her because of my expectation that somehow she would pay me back.

Someday, life will get back to normal.  We all will be better and my hope is that when we do something for one another it will not be a transaction.  We will simply help each other through love not expectation.  Some times we have to scratch their back, even though we know that they will not scratch ours.  If I find myself in that situation I am just going to smile, and be thankful that I have that opportunity.