Sleep will not come so I decide to go for a walk.  It’s a big hospital so there is plenty of space to burn off some anger.  I can only imagine how a soldier must feel when the enemy will not come out and fight.  All of the energy, adrenaline, and fear just keeps building with no release.  I start walking and walking and walking.  No destination in mind, no goal in sight, lost in thoughts about things I can not control.  Just a slow ambling journey to nowhere in particular.  It’s a weird feeling when you have no particular place to go but have the feeling that you have ended up in the exact place that you feel you need to be.  Surprised to be where I am and somewhat alarmed to be here I step in a very nondescript doorway marked with a small placard that says chapel.

I am a very spiritual man.  Calling me religious would be a stretch.  None the less I take a step in.  I have been to the Sistine chapel at the Vatican.  I can’t describe to you the presence you feel when you walk into a place like that.  The beauty and holiness that surrounds you is a very spiritual experience.  I don’t know why, but here I was in this small chapel in the bowels of this hospital feeling as if I was in the presence of something bigger than myself.  Bigger than the world.  Almost a different consciousness if that makes any kind of sense.  There was nothing fancy or beautiful about the space. It is very plain, some old wooden benches, low lighting, one large candle burning, and of course Jesus on the cross.  I decide to sit down and ponder.  Usually I ponder on very large complicated issues, but tonight it was very simple, why.  Why did my wife get cancer.

I sat for a while just thinking. No particular order or direction to my thinking.  Just the random thoughts when your mind has been blown.  I’m not sure of the time but it must have been pretty early in the morning.  An elderly gentleman ambles in with a feather duster and starts doing his thing.  I watch him, he reminds me of a very elderly Morgan Freeman.  It’s a nice change of pace for me.  I seem to just have more questions with no answers.  He stands back smiles at his work and sits down next to me.  He smiles at me and says “I love this room.  I’ve been in this room five days a week for forty-two years and every time I come in I feel the joy that resides within its walls.”  I don’t really know what to say.  I’m not really feeling the joy at the moment. I just nod as if it say “ok.”  We sit in silence for a while each in our own thoughts and then he says in a lighthearted way “so what are you in here for?”  I had a small inkling that I was in Shawshank prison about to tell him that I didn’t really do it, but instead I just blurted out “my wife has cancer.”  “I see,” he said, ” so why are you in the chapel at five in the morning?”  “I don’t know” I said ” looking for answers I guess.”  “answers to what,  your prayers or your questions?”  I didn’t really understand what he was asking for sure so I said “questions I guess.”  “What is your question?” “WHY,” I said.

He smiled a shy smile and said, ” My favorite quote is from Daniel Defoe’s book Robinson Crusoe.  He wrote, “how infinity good that providence, which has settled in its government of mankind such narrow bounds to his sight and knowledge of things; and though he walks in the midst of so many thousand dangers, the sight of which, if discovered to him, would distract his mind and sink his spirits, he is kept serene and calm, by having the events of things hid from his eyes, and knowing nothing of the dangers which surround him.”  “You see” he said.  “Providence has gotten you here to this point in time.  Would you or your wife be who you are today if you would have known what was going to happen a few days ago, probably not.  You would have lived a totally different life.  God has led you to this place and time through providence so that you are ready.”  But WHY” I said, “why her?  She is the kindest most loving person.  She is strong, and sees the best in everyone.  WHY,  when there are so many evil people in the world, why would God pick the best to be stricken with this and not his worst.” “Ah, now the true feelings come out,” he said. “You feel God has forsaken her.”  “WHY” I said.  “What if I told you that God has not forsaken her but chose her for all of the reasons you said.”  I sat there for a few seconds not understanding not willing to believe that, and he continued.  “Your question should not be WHY.  Your question should be for what purpose has God  blessed you with this opportunity.  you have done nothing in your lives to deserve being afflicted with this disease.  You HAVE done everything in your life to be worthy of being CHOSEN by God to do his work.  If God wants to teach a child something he sends his best teacher, not his worst.  So it is with you and your wife.  God has chosen her for something special and he has picked your wife because SHE is something special.”

I sat there for several minutes trying to comprehend all that this man had said.  Still no clear answers bouncing around in my head, but a tinge of calmness flirting around the edges of my consciousness.  “You are not alone in this,” he said.  “You both are covered in the Lord’s Grace.  Find strength in his hands and know that he is with you at all times.  Let him guide you through this and feel comfort that he has faith in you to get done what needs to be done.”  I finally felt a calmness wash over me.  I have felt so overwhelmed and lonely up to this point. I feel a presence surrounding me.  Holding me, lifting me up with the knowledge that we are not alone on this journey.

“Now I want you to pray with me.” he said.  “I want you to pray this prayer every morning when you get up.  Dear Lord,  we know that you have not forsaken us, but have chosen us for this journey.  Please guide us with your providence and hold us in your Grace.  Give us the strength to battle, overcome and be what it is that you have prepared us to be.  Give strength to those around us, heal them as you heal us, help them as you help us.  Walk with us and lead us to your glory.  Give us strength when we feel we have none.  Give us knowledge when we feel we are lost.  And most important give us the will and the strength to provide unconditional love to all of those that surround us, meet us, touch us, and need us.”